People In Town
On Saturdays I tend to visit my local music shop to check for any cool CDs but this is becoming more and more of a nightmare, first you get into town and there is ALWAYS a family of fat bastards all walking next to each other as slowly as is humanly possible completely blocking off the sidewalk, and you can’t go on the road because there happens to be a million “people carriers” parked up so close together that I’d be surprised if you could squeeze a slice of dairylea cheese in the space between them. So you have to walk up as far as you can and start coughing very loudly so one of these oblivious fat messes might hear you over the sound of hamburgers that they’re chewing. Once you get past this hurdle you then have to navigate your way through the fucking living dead and their Zimmer frames and the people coming in the opposite direction who always seem to move every way you step to try to get past, and no its not funny to say “would you like to dance” when this happens, if by this point you’ve not started bludgeoning people to death with one of those “put out your cigarette here” ashtrays ripped from the wall, then you move on to the next stage of town “osmosis” that is, get past the 10,000 charity workers all fighting for some stupid fucking cause no one gives a fuck about – like “sharks are being tested on” good! I don’t really feel that any kind of animal with 16 rows of razor sharp teeth need to be saved. and they all do this strange stance that kind of looks like they’ve taken root, when they’ve blocked you off to tell you about their cause, you may as well either sign off your bank account to them or be prepared to give up your day, it would be okay if they had a tin for change you could just stick a coin in there and be on your way but now they need to tell you about it and then get your account details, I’m sorry but you can’t even buy stuff over the internet from supposedly secure shopping sites without the worry of identity theft, what kind of fucking idiot gives a stranger sporting dreadlocks and a crack addict smile their bank details?!
Say you make it to the music shop, in my case the shop is a very tiny space with lots of racks laid out possibly by someone in the advanced stages of mental retardation, you get the following people disturbing your browsing..
1. the woman with the fucking pram, why take a baby into a music shop in a pram when there’s barely enough to move your arm without the strong possibility of a sexual harassment accusation, and they don’t go another way when they see you crouched down looking at a CD rack, nope they stand there staring you down till you move, to her I say fuck off with your chavvy Burberry fucking pram the music you like is shit you may as well not bother..
2. the various people who in an enclosed space think its okay to just sneeze/cough over everything so as many people are infected with their fucking diseases as possible, I’ve actually got into heated arguments with these idiots.
3. the people that stand as close to the CD rack so you can’t actually see anything but their giant arse and you have to stand there looking like a spare prick while they slowly read the entire CD booklet.
4. Breathers, these people tend to stand as close to you as they can whilst looking at CDs so you can smell their shitty breath and even feel it blowing on you, this is fucking foul please piss off and get away from me.
Not only are you faced with all these things getting in your way but the music shop has no air circulation so you break into a sweat just by walking near the door of the place, and there is usually some fat “rock bitch” behind the counter playing the most god awful crap – usually bad 70′s metal at a level that is making the floor bleed, so after about 10 minutes you’ve gone off music completely and you want to join a Buddhist community
