Doommonger http://www.doommonger.co.uk Everything is shit, this is why Thu, 10 May 2012 12:01:21 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.5 My Apple Rant http://www.doommonger.co.uk/my-apple-rant/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/my-apple-rant/#comments Thu, 10 May 2012 12:01:21 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=231
So no one can accuse me of just being an Apple hater I have posted a picture of the 2 iPod classics I own – why do I own 2? cause I have shitloads of music.

I don’t give much of a shit about the physical design of these things – they look like little rectangle pods and there’s not much more you can say about that.

being into electronics and also having owned a lot of these things – I have taken these apart, made frankenstein iPods from bits of lots of broken ones and so on, electronically I do love the circuitry involved in them and the engineers who designed them are obviously extremely talented.

With that said certain things really annoy the hell out of me and it’s more to do with the operating system on these devices – first of all there was a really idiotic decision to limit the output volume in retaliation to lawsuits filed by morons who didn’t realize that if you listen to sound too loud it could damage your hearing.DICKHEAD “so why is this a problem then?” I hear you ask, “surely you don’t want to damage your hearing” no, I don’t but there are quite a few genres that play music very quietly – I’m a big fan of sigur ros for example and when the sound of a car in the distance completely drowns out the entirety of the music you are listening to then what is the use of even having an iPod in the first place?

I don’t get why putting a disclaimer on the box saying something to the tune of “if you listen to loud music for too long you will damage your hearing and you are also a moron – we are not liable” isn’t enough, it’s enough for smoking and everything else. This is precisely why I hate people who file lawsuits, they don’t realize that their short term ambition to extract money for nothing because they were injured by their own idiocy will be paid in some form by someone and in this case the people footing the bill is people like me who now have had the option of being able to hear what we are listening to taken away from us. so I know that the limit wasn’t initially Apples fault but they backed down to prevent further law suits, they put in that limit which makes me think that Steve Jobs’ vision of not having sniveling lawyer types running his company has been betrayed.

my second issue is the equalizer on the iPod, this is basically a list of selectable presets with no user definable option which is just bullshit, I would guess that not bothering with the presets and just having the ability to make your own presets and save them would have taken a lot less time to code than the current method. the nearest preset that makes the sound how I want is the “bass booster” preset and that is by no means anywhere near what I want, it distorts the low end too much which just suggests that the people coding these presets didn’t take into account that music is mastered at different levels. If there was a user definable EQ I could compensate for this oversight, you know – like every single other digital music player has – even a lot of the old analogue portable music players had this feature, only one hung low shit things had presets minus the user definable EQ.

I think my main gripe concluded is that I want to at least have the illusion of control in what I do, I want to be able to turn my music up so I can hear it and I want to be able to change the EQ abit, Apple are the ones most guilty of trying to make everything completely idiot proof and I really don’t think we should allow anyone to do that, there are too many idiots on this planet. I just don’t think they should be rewarded by being given things that were technologically more advanced than a space shuttle that even they can figure out how to use by engaging just 2 brain cells.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/my-apple-rant/feed/ 0 smoking http://www.doommonger.co.uk/smoking/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/smoking/#comments Thu, 08 Mar 2012 21:54:12 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=228 as an ex-smoker I’m sure you think I’m going to say smoking is shit and so is everyone who does it? well, no it’s worse than that. This is another little problem that has been pissing me off for a while and that problem is: people who start wafting their arms around like idiots when someone within a mile of them lights up a cigarette and then making claims that passive smoking causes cancer, well maybe – statistically speaking the last study I saw on the matter claimed that 1 in 30,000 people could die from passive smoking related illnesses, I don’t doubt this figure anymore than I doubt the figure of 115 people dying per day in the US during car related accidents, yet I keep seeing assholes in their cars on mobile phones, texting people – in fact on twitter the other day someone made a “tweet” that they were driving while they wrote their latest “tweet” which would mean that people are even fucking around on the internet whilst driving. so let’s address the balance here: on one hand we have something that can potentially kill 1 in 30,000 people however on the other we have something that can kill 115 people per day in one country alone – which one gets banned? who gets chastised? not the fucking tweeter in her car who I’m betting is going to mow down some poor bastard one of these days!
now I’m not for the banning of cars or any of that green world hippy bullshit but logically speaking cars should be the thing that gets banned if it’s truly for our well-being however I feel as though various little freedoms are being stripped away subtly – I don’t want to get all 1984 on you but I can’t see any other reason for it on a logical level. Let’s forget the car analogy for a minute, what about the 1st world people being mostly made up of fat cunts? if you want to ban something for our well-being what about a few less McDonald’s “restaurants” – hell, a few less of the drivethru McDonalds, it has to be a really sad case of affairs when people are too fat and lazy to walk 2 metres from their car to get their fat on a bun meat substitute meals, I’m pretty sure stuffing your fat head with Mcdonalds everyday is enough to cause some kind of cancer, not to mention heart failure and diabetes. what about people getting pissed up all the time, binge drinking is supposed to be at an all time high and it’s a well known fact that drinking makes people stupid as well as causing various other health issues. When I used to smoke I used to go out to a pub with my friend and one of his friends friends would start wafting away smoke and coughing over loudly when I lit up (at the other side of the room) this guy was a fat bastard who was obviously not as worried about all the burgers he shoved into his fat head than he was at inhaling a bit of massively diluted smoke, bothering him to the point of bad amateur dramatics.
sometimes I just want to take up smoking again so I can look for people to smoke around in order to piss them off.
Today someone had written something on twitter about smoking being an “Epidemic” so I pointed out an Epidemic is not actually something people choose to do it is more something that happens to them – they replied with this.. “when alot of people choose to do something it becomes an epidemic” they haven’t replied to my saying “alot of people choose to breath, is that an epidemic?”
I shall leave you with a song that fit’s in nicely about smoking and cars.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/smoking/feed/ 0 pregnancy http://www.doommonger.co.uk/pregnancy/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/pregnancy/#comments Sun, 04 Mar 2012 18:19:33 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=226 I know I am probably get abuse for this post, mind you I get abuse for most of them so it doesn’t really matter. anyway I am nearing 30 so alot of my friends have by now pro-created – something which everyone has been involved with in some way or another, the entire human race – in fact life in its entirety has procreated in some form or other and those that have stopped also stopped existing. so with that said, why in this century has it become such a big deal? why are people madly posting up ultrasound pictures of their insides and boring to death everyone they come into contact with about something that only has one thing more common about it – that being the act of breathing – it just seems to me that people have become so mindlessly self indulgent that they feel they need recognition for anything, well congratulations – you’ve done something everyone else who ever had children has done. Ask yourself, did your mother bore the shit out of everyone she came into contact with when they were pregnant with you? did she fuck! what about your Gran? nope, her mother? again, no – they spent their energy on trying to do the best they could.
All these new parents are too busy looking for accolades carting around the newborn to everyone who hasn’t already gotten so bored that their phone, for some reason has “been lost” or they are “always out” – you know, the reason the curtains are drawn in the day is because they are pretending to be out. No one wants to listen to another nappy related horror story or how the baby puked but it’s okay cause “it’s so cute” no, no it’s not – the only people who care are people with babies themselves and they are just waiting for you to shut up so they can talk about their baby, how you think it’s going to be a genius because it’s only 5 months old and it can already recognize the fact you are playing twilight movies all day – on a side note calling your 2 kids “Edward and Bella” is just fucked in the head.
Since I am pretty much screwed from writing what I have written I am going to now say what everyone is thinking but are too scared to say for fears of claims of sexism (even though I’ve found that if a woman is sexist towards a man, that is perfectly acceptable)

1. no one wants to see your “baby bump” so once you are pregnant stop wearing revealing clothes – have a bit of fucking dignity – it’s not empowering or whatever you think it is it’s just gross seeing a distended abdomen and we are all wondering when the John Hurt moment is going to occur.

2. no one wants to hear about the colour of shit your child has just exited, especially when we are eating, it isn’t funny it is just fucked and then getting defensive when we complain about it – using the “it’s natural” argument, well being gored to death by a killer bull is natural but I’m sure you’d have something to say if I played videos of that while you were trying to eat spaghetti bolognaise.

3. putting a picture of your kid as your facebook profile picture is fucked, why would you do that? the whole idea of having a profile picture is so that we know who we are trying to reconnect with, NOT to play “try and figure out who the genetic legacy is from”

4. stop complaining that men don’t understand, we never will, it is a biological impossibility and we had no actual say in the matter so shut the fuck up about it. Making it out to be our fault is really retarded given the fact that you were there consenting to the act of procreation, you knew EXACTLY what it could lead to, then for some reason you chose to have it “naturally” anyone with a degree of logical thought would be knocked unconscious through the whole procedure of childbirth, it is possible thanks to men trying to discover pain relief through the ages ironically – I really think that you only suffer the pain so you can bitch at us.

5. it may look beautiful to you but to everyone else your baby looks like a prune so stop wipping out the baby pictures – that glazed look that instantly sweeps across our faces should give you a clue that you are actually boring people to death.

6. don’t talk with your friends in baby talk, it’s not cute it is awkward and pretty sickening

7. for those of you chavvy enough, if you don’t know what DNA stands for and you don’t know who the father is then tough shit, you’re on your own, if you are so pissed up that you have sex with multiple partners you don’t know and can’t even remember then you deserve everything you get.

8. if you really want to help your child, spend a little less time going on about it and abit more time educating it – preferably how to get by in life without spending everymoment facedown on a fucking mobile phone – they are great inventions but they can get a little bit irritating when every conversation you have is interrupted 8000 times by fucking text messages – and while I’m on the subject – text messages should be of secondary importance to the person who actually bothered to go to your house to see you, that is to both genders however it is women that do it the most in my experience.

9. putting “bathtime” pictures of your babies on facebook really just is not appropriate and it very likely that they will hate you for it when they are older.

10. trying to gross people out by talking about every excretion of your offspring just shows you to be a dick and no one will want to talk to you if you carry on.

11. if your child is screaming in a shop, just ignoring it is not the best course of action – the child won’t learn the right things and you are likely pissing everyone in the store off – it’s not like shopping is pleasant in the first place

12. if you want to breastfeed in public don’t be offended if people stare or you are asked to desist, yes it’s natural as is the act of procreation but I’m sure if you saw people doing that in public you wouldn’t like it. we live in a society where things like this are not for public domain so get over yourself, no one prior to your generation did it unless it was really necessary and it seems more like an act of seeking attention than anything else. we live in the future and there are plenty of more civilized methods for dispensing milk in public than breastfeeding and if you choose to then you are going to run into issues and that’s tough, if I can’t piss in public then you can’t breastfeed – both necessary for life.

finally I would like to add that I have referred to a child as “it” for the sake of gender neutrality and not as an insult to the child after all they haven’t done anything wrong… yet.
also if you take everything I say in these blogs seriously then you are an idiot.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/pregnancy/feed/ 0 Barclays Bank http://www.doommonger.co.uk/barclays-bank/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/barclays-bank/#comments Mon, 29 Aug 2011 10:03:21 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=221 Recently I came into a bit of money in the form of a cheque so I took it into my bank for them to put it into MY account, the place where MY money is kept. so of course after the “working days” have passed that the fucking thing needs to clear, I tried to buy something – DECLINED so I try again thinking “shit I must have put in the wrong number” – DECLINED. so I recheck my online bank account.. “I’m sorry we can’t sign you into your account because there is an issue with your card” now I have to phone some fucker I can barely understand because the line is so shit who has to reel off my last transactions to make sure I did them.. well fine, it’s good they check in case I get defrauded. So upon ending the phone call the man said that I would be able to use my card at 1 pm which of course I try to do – DECLINED. so I sign back into my account to triple check the money has actually cleared and of course it has.I then tried again -DECLINED, Now because I have tried to use my card again, I can’t use my fucking online banking again because for some reason they have decided that even though I have told them I am actually trying to buy something from Aria (a computer store) that it is suspicious behavior so I get a automated phone call asking if I tried to make the purchase so again I say “yes I made the order” or tried to as the case actually was. After that I just left it a couple of days. Then I made the mistake of trying to spend MY money again at the SAME place – you know, the place I have now told them about 3 times that I’m trying to buy something from…yes, you guessed it – DECLINED, nevermind the fact I have had 2 phone calls from them, I’ve made one to them myself and I have been into the branch.
what I don’t understand is how banks are allowed to fuck people around this much when it comes to our money but when you owe them money they are right on the case very efficiently and quickly.
You could argue that this is an isolated case but it really isn’t, it has happened to me before, not the situation but being fucked about. My Gran gave me a cheque years ago to go on holiday with, In fact without the money I couldn’t go. so she gave it to me, accounting for the “5 working days” bullshit. she gave it me with a lot of time to spare, about 14 “working days” what did they do? well not only had it not cleared by the 10th “working day” when I went in they claimed to have no record of me giving in the cheque so I showed them the receipt they gave me to prove it had then they tried to blame the post office because it turns out that for a cheque to clear it has to be sent to the bank it came from for them to – I don’t know, bite it to make sure it’s real or something and then it has to be sent back to my bank to say it’s okay. First of all why can’t they use the technology available – faxes, emails, phones, fucking smoke signals for fucks sake! I don’t know if the method of posting the cheque to another bank is true but if it is surely the easier solution would be using the unique serial number EVERY cheque has and confirming it against a secure database – we do online banking and online shopping so I don’t see why this is still in the realms of fucking science fiction however, I believe that it was just an excuse to blame anyone but their own incompetence. Second of all the reason that I’m getting fucked over is because their customer services and all the rest of the stuff is sourced out to anywhere, there is obviously no communication between them so really to deal with one bank you are dealing with 100 businesses, none of which have a fucking clue and I’m not ranting about contacting India because the people in this country wouldn’t have a clue either nor do they care, if you ask to speak to a manager, what’s the point? they have no responsibility and nothing would happen to them if they just told you to fuck off while holding their dick in their hands, pissing on your debit card and since it seems to be a prerequisite to have your mind ethically and morally cleansed before getting a job in a bank I am surprised that it doesn’t happen more often.
I just think for everything these banks do they should face severe consequences because if we can’t get at our money, we face severe consequences – we can’t buy food and everything else you need to live. Because of all this shit I couldn’t pay for my glasses which I need to be able to see anything properly.
one time I went into the bank to ask about an overdraft because I was sick of having to demand the return of charges incurred by accidentally going below zero by 3 pence and one of the things I was asked was if I wanted to pay extra for “overdraft protection” and before I could say “sod that” the girl went into what it was for, which essentially was that if I die then my overdraft would be taken care of so I said “I definitely don’t want that, I don’t plan to use my overdraft, it’s just a buffer and I wouldn’t give a shit about who paid my overdraft after I died” so about a month later I get a charge on my bank account for… yes, overdraft protection, the shit I went through to get that fucking thing removed was horrendous, I phoned them, wrote about 40 letters eventually threatening legal action by which time they said they could only refund some of it.
I can only speculate that the girl got commission which is why she ignored the fact I said “certainly not”
I just think these fuckers should face punishment for fucking pretty well everyone over.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/barclays-bank/feed/ 0 Headphonesite.com http://www.doommonger.co.uk/headphonesite-com/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/headphonesite-com/#comments Tue, 23 Aug 2011 23:23:16 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=218 I was in the market for new headphones so I tried a few pairs out at a local electronics shop however they cost a fortune so I thought I would try the internet.

I looked around for a company that came with at least some positive reviews finally settling on www.headphonesite.com so I ordered a pair of HD428 headphones from them and paid an extra £5.99 for next day delivery – this is where the first issue came up.
it didn’t arrive the next day, nor the 2 days after that so I contacted them to say they owe me the £5.99 as they didn’t fulfill their obligation to send via courier as it stated on the forms, they gave me a load of bullshit saying it was sent “priority” so I checked this when it arrived via normal mail and this was not the case obviously.
The headphones had arrived anyway and when I opened the packet I was met with a pair of counterfeit HD428′s which was given away by a few things 1. the HD428′s have Sennheiser engraved on the headband where as these had it printed. 2. the real ones are not made out of cheap shit plastic 3. they are meant to cancel out most ambient noise, in the store I tried the real ones on in they blocked out nearly all of the noise, these shit ones couldn’t even block the sound of a computer fan. and lastly they sounded shit.

so I contacted them about 3 times before they replied, the last time I replied I had to threaten them with contacting trading standards and then they said some shit about “changing suppliers” and I was to send them back, I sent them back and then I heard fuck all off them for about 5 days and 2 emails asking them to sodding refund my money. They said they would refund my money that day. 3 days later, no money so I sent 1 email per day and 4 days later I got a reply saying “sorry, we’ll refund the money today” 2 days later no money.

so I sent one last email saying I have lodged a complaint with my credit card issuer to question the transaction as a fraud case and they had till the end of the day to refund the money or I would send in the evidence I had been collecting (postal receipt, picture of shitty headphones etc) today the money went back into my account.

It was obvious that they knew that they are selling fake headphones, it is obvious they intended not to send it prioritized and it is obvious they were intending to be as awkward as possible in hope that I gave up but they weren’t counting on the fact I have no life. so don’t buy from them and tell anyone you know not to buy from them because they are dicks.

And just for completeness I am going to copy and paste their mission statement here and make a few amendments.

Headphonesite.com is a UK based website that was set up in 2010 to offer the most popular Headphones found on the high street at the lowest possible prices (because we get shit knockoff versions from China).
Headphonesite.com is expanding its range on a daily basis and as soon as we see a set of Headphones that we can offer at a good price to our customers (or as we like to call them “victims”) we will add them to our catalogue. We have built up great relationships with the biggest brands in headphones such as Sennheiser, Monster, Koss, Klipsch, Sony, AKG, Shure, Skullcandy, Aerial7, Backbox, Coloud, Atec Lansing, Plantronics and JVC. (we stole their employees mobile phones on the train home)

All our items are held in stock in our warehouse located in Milton Keynes (in my mams basement). We do not have a shop or trade counter sorry but we do promise to send all orders placed on our website very quickly to any UK address (we promise but there is fuckall chance of that happening) . We offer a standard and express delivery service (either way they will arrive when ever the fuck we feel like getting out of bed).
Our sales team is knowledgeable on the items we stock (we know that they are fake shit), we are a dedicated headphone specialist (specifically specializing in selling fake headphones and ripping people off). Whether it is a simple upgrade to your iPod or iPhone headphones or a pair of £300 plus premium grade hifi headphones (it doesn’t matter they are all shit), we have the product to suit any requirement and budget (as long as you don’t mind the fact that the product is bullshit), and we are always happy to make some recommendations based on your specifications(we recommend giving us your money and fucking off).
If there is anything you would like to know about Headphonesite.com or you have any product related enquiries please send an enquiry to our staff at the contact us link ut our website and we will be more than happy to help (but don’t expect a reply straight away because we are probably out getting stoned or robbing shops).
Thank you for visiting our website (we hope to fuck you over soon).
Headphonesite.com

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/headphonesite-com/feed/ 0 The Daily Mail http://www.doommonger.co.uk/the-daily-mail/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/the-daily-mail/#comments Tue, 07 Dec 2010 13:34:29 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=209 well it was only a matter of time before I got around to this shit storm of a bad newspaper, it is an even bigger doommonger than me, and at least I do mine with elements of humour, they take themselves seriously which is fucking scary. having said that there is not much I can say about this media outlet full only of conjecture and opinion that everyone else hasn’t said before (I point you to brilliant comedians like Russell Howard and so on) basically the newspaper itself is a what’s what on outrage at absolutely anything without substantial evidence or even knowing the full story, or indeed any of the story. so for my little article I am going to use one of my favourite formulae of taking what their users have said and “answering” them(if I need to, really just to show you without you having to go and look what fucking mongoloids these people are.

1. I think this sick B****** Boyle should be band from performing also they should ban the other vulagr sick commic like Jo Brand, Alexis Sales and Rickay Thomlinson. (about Frankie Boyles Cumbrian shooting joke)

2. This is THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS SCANDAL IN TELEVISION HISTORY. get a grip it’s the fucking x-factor you mental case

3. Cant say I blame her, lets hope shes scared of having anymore children by useless lumps as well, she can do better on her own as she as shown. this is about Kerry katona being too scared to get involved with anyone, it amazes me that anyone cares enough to give that much of a shit about some stupid retarded bitch

4. Please remember that the NSPCC wants to criminalise any parent who smacks an errant child. If you occasionally smack your child, this charity thinks you are a brutal criminal who should be prosecuted.
I wouldn’t give them a fiver – I wouldn’t give them five pence yeah you be sure to let me know how the therapy goes you fucking maniac

5. Don’t like their own medicine this sleazy underhand back stabbing labour party.They’ll be squealing far
louder after the next general election yes, mike and as you know they lost the election and the cuntservatives are systematically raping anything that helped anyone, good job you and your fellow voters did there, dick

6. when I was 13 ( in the fifties) i was playing knock down ginger and scrumping apples..why cant we go back to those times?cause we are not in the fucking 50′s anymore you old cunt.

there is so many more examples to be found on the daily mail website, in fact if you just search the word “outrage” I guarantee those of you with a brain will either spend the day laughing or be shocked at how moronic people have gotten, you may ask “well why have you read it?” and the answer is simple, I find it incredibly funny.
I am sure I will revisit this subject again in the future.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/the-daily-mail/feed/ 1 More Rules For When I take Over The Planet http://www.doommonger.co.uk/more-rules-for-when-i-take-over-the-planet/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/more-rules-for-when-i-take-over-the-planet/#comments Thu, 25 Nov 2010 13:37:10 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=205 1. the word celebrity is instantly banned and anyone in the media must have a dam good reason to be there, i.e. no more Kerry fucking katona or Peter fuckface Andre, any such non entity will be instantly forced to give up all their money and take their rightful place at the bottom of the food chain right underneath fucking pond scum.

2. Smoking cigarettes will once again be allowed in public places, workplaces will also have to provide a room for smokers; I do not smoke myself but if we are going to breathe in the fumes from all the vehicles all day and everyday I don’t see what extra harm tobacco will do, anyway caught wafting smoke away from their faces in an obvious manner will have their hands removed, tarred and placed on a spike in the town square.

3. The USA is absolutely uncategorically banned from taking one of our good TV programs and making it into lowest common denominator bullshit, they did it with the office, being human, life on mars they tried to copy red dwarf and the IT crowd and I am sure there have been many more. if you can’t come up with your own shows fucking give up, you can’t do our humour because we don’t try and tailor it to every moron on the street, we do it for ourselves.

4. Singers in bands must have their own voice rather than the same one copied from a million other singers, and if you’re from the UK and you put on an American accent you will be shot in the dick – you obviously don’t need it.

5. companies such as Apple will be disallowed from releasing new products unless they can demonstrate how it is at least 80% different from the million overpriced pieces of easily breakable shit that went before, and no the fact that it carries on working for more than a month doesn’t count as a reasonable upgrade, you should replace the shitty stuff you sold us before you work on the new crap.

6. anyone who advertises sports gear by wearing clothing that has things like “Nike” and other brand names emblazoned across the material must have the word “moron” tattooed on their heads.

7. Face book is not allowed to sue other companies that use the word “book” in their title it, is fucking ridiculous and just a little bit childish. check out the brilliant site
Lamebook

8. Jeremy Kyle is to come up with better ideas for his shows, I am no longer satisfied with knowing which chav is the father of some fat messes ugly child. he did some great ones where he interviewed weirdo cults, do some more of those Jeremy.

9. this “everyone for themselves” attitude that Margaret Thatcher and her Cuntservative party brought in, in the 80′s is hereby banned, if you act like a dick you will be sent to the middle of Australia, our country used to help one another now all we do is look for the first chance to fuck one another over.

10. no more plastic surgery, you get what you’re born with, the end!

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/more-rules-for-when-i-take-over-the-planet/feed/ 0 When I Take Over The Planet http://www.doommonger.co.uk/when-i-take-over-the-planet/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/when-i-take-over-the-planet/#comments Tue, 23 Nov 2010 10:43:07 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=202 The following rules will be effective immediately.

1. Christmas decorations will only be permitted in the month of December, anyone breaking this rule will be banned from having decorations for life, and they shall also have their existing decorations shoved up their arse.

2. Using mobile phones in the company of others is immediately illegal, I am sick of conversations that go like this.. “so what do you think about what I just said?” “yeah” “what??” “uh” if you should need to use your phone in another persons company that isn’t for life or death situations then you should excuse yourself and leave the room, I have no wish to listen to your inane conversations about how drunk you were the other day which takes me to my next rule.

3. Any person caught posting any status message on ANY social network site about how they are going to get drunk at weekend and then 2 days later posting about how they feel ill will be shot, you chose to drink, you know what you would feel like, keep it to yourself you dicks. both rules 2 and 3 are punishable with being slapped across the face repeatedly with rotting salmon for at least 2 hours.

4. If you are pregnant you are not permitted to post pictures of your ultrasound sessions, it may seem strange to you but people (and by people I mean me) don’t want to see your fucking insides, it is disgusting and as of now extremely illegal and punishable with a clockwork orange style gluing of the eyes open while subjected to gross operations performed on STI related illnesses

5. Selling your things over the internet will be banned unless you post it the day you sell it and not 4 fucking days after the fact, if you charge someone 8 quid for postage then there should be a gift with the thing you sold, if you break this rule your “internet business” will be closed and you will be sterilised.

6. Michael McIntyre and Stewart Francis are immediately banned.

7. To be allowed access to the internet you must first pass some form of simple language exam (depending on your country of course) people who cannot spell simple words correctly and those who cannot use the words your, you’re the correct way around (and that goes for there, their and they’re) will be disallowed from any form of internet access device and sterilised.

8. unless you have a IQ well over average you are immediately disallowed more than one child, the gene pool is plenty watered down and it is time to inject a bit of intelligence back into the human race. not a popular thing to say but come on, how many times have you seen big groups of these inbred looking pissheads walking about terrorizing people and then you moan at me about it!

9. anyone causing abuse to any animal, especially Cats will be shot in the stomach and left to bleed out.

10. Insurance companies will no longer be allowed to use the “act of god” clause, if you are in a business designed to protect people against loss and other such terrible things then you are to pay out after one week of investigation, if you take money and then refuse to pay out makes your business worthless and is therefore immediately illegal.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/when-i-take-over-the-planet/feed/ 0 bands making quick cash http://www.doommonger.co.uk/bands-making-quick-cash/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/bands-making-quick-cash/#comments Fri, 17 Sep 2010 08:08:30 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=196 not so long ago one of my favourite electro-rock band started advertising a new album which was due, it had been 2 years since their last one so I thought “great!” so as their third album I thought “this should be good, they’ve grown into themselves, it should be special” so you can imagine my disappointment when I got the album and it was a fucking remix album, remixes of their old songs done by fucking shitty dance head arseholes who seem to always get the words “producer” and “dickhead” mixed up, who couldn’t even make the remixes sound original, seriously who wants to listen to remix albums?? sure maybe you listen to one song on it that sounds abit novelty but even that quickly gets boring.
so anyway they release this “album” and I figure well maybe they are doing a real album since the band played no actual part in the production of this piece of shit – so in reality they’ve sat with their thumbs up their arses for 2 years – but no, the next thing I hear is that they are doing a worldwide tour to support this dogturd of a CD.
and this is a growing phenomenon of bands releasing remix and best of CDs as if they were real albums and doing a tour to support it. I just feel we, as fans are getting the piss taken out of us by these big bands while the smaller ones are having to scrape together money to finish off an album they have actually bothered to write.
as for the “best of” albums who exactly decides the best songs? I know they usually say the band chose them but I doubt it, fair enough if they are one of these bands that has a lot of singles that make it big then obviously there are a certain demographic of people who just want the singles, but with bands like incubus doing a “best of” it just seems arbitrary, an excuse to slack off doing a new album to go fucking around on tour. people work real jobs everyday of their lives, hard jobs. Tedious jobs so moaning about doing a new album when you’ve spent 2 years fucking about with slappers, taking drugs and generally being lazy bastards is only going to make us think you are a bunch of spoilt dicks. so either write a real album or move aside and make room for bands that don’t want to rip off their fans.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/bands-making-quick-cash/feed/ 0 Myspace status Rant 2010 http://www.doommonger.co.uk/myspace-status-rant-2010/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/myspace-status-rant-2010/#comments Fri, 17 Sep 2010 07:21:56 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=194 thinkin bout stuff hmm why did u come back? argh I need to talk but meh lol – yes that’s about the level of self involvement and idiocy I’d expect from some ugly bitch who thinks she’s a model

Live the moment in life to the full as you don’t know when that moment will end – more sugary bollocks ironically written on the status of someone who plays warcraft

Always I will pray for others. – maybe you should quit praying for others and
pray that someone will cut that Sadam moustache off your face before you get accidentally hanged

$* ! U Can Call MS.Gettum Gone By The Way – I think even if you used the actual
English language in that statement no one but a fucking chav would understand it.

SEDUCE MY MIND AND YOU CAN HAVE MY BODY…- your hobbies include dancing and clubbing, I really doubt it would be hard to seduce your mind, maybe jingling some keys in front of you would do the trick.

I like going to interesting places with even more interesting people – your friends all have drinks in their hands and are wearing suits with their ties done up to 12, “interesting” is not a word I’d choose to describe them, “Dicks” however IS a word I’d use to describe them.

It’s all make believe, isn’t it? – no but you’re a fucking Twilight obsessed teeny idiot.

My Name Is What The Hoes Tend To Mention But Keep Talkin Bitches I Loveeeeeeee The Attention – you have to be the whitest person on the internet so stop trying to be black, you may love the attention but I am pretty sure the attention does not love you.

You might think you are all that because you are dating my ex, but I have just one question for you: ‘HOW DO I TASTE?’ – I wouldn’t know but I will hazard a guess with.. you taste like disease.

One crazy weekend coming up my daughters 18th birthday. Taking her to get her first tattoo. Following in her mother’s foot steps – you look like an idiot, really if you’re going to have tattoo’s at least get ones that look good.

I am extremely lucky to have a friend who is selfless & only wants to see me happy, that is true friendship. No names needed u know who u r! – otherwise known as the poor bastard you take advantage of perhaps? and don’t call yourself random you have a kid and you’re 23 what you are is fucking boring and about normal!

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