Doommonger http://www.doommonger.co.uk Everything is shit, this is why Mon, 29 Aug 2011 10:03:21 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.5 Barclays Bank http://www.doommonger.co.uk/barclays-bank/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/barclays-bank/#comments Mon, 29 Aug 2011 10:03:21 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=221 Recently I came into a bit of money in the form of a cheque so I took it into my bank for them to put it into MY account, the place where MY money is kept. so of course after the “working days” have passed that the fucking thing needs to clear, I tried to buy something – DECLINED so I try again thinking “shit I must have put in the wrong number” – DECLINED. so I recheck my online bank account.. “I’m sorry we can’t sign you into your account because there is an issue with your card” now I have to phone some fucker I can barely understand because the line is so shit who has to reel off my last transactions to make sure I did them.. well fine, it’s good they check in case I get defrauded. So upon ending the phone call the man said that I would be able to use my card at 1 pm which of course I try to do – DECLINED. so I sign back into my account to triple check the money has actually cleared and of course it has.I then tried again -DECLINED, Now because I have tried to use my card again, I can’t use my fucking online banking again because for some reason they have decided that even though I have told them I am actually trying to buy something from Aria (a computer store) that it is suspicious behavior so I get a automated phone call asking if I tried to make the purchase so again I say “yes I made the order” or tried to as the case actually was. After that I just left it a couple of days. Then I made the mistake of trying to spend MY money again at the SAME place – you know, the place I have now told them about 3 times that I’m trying to buy something from…yes, you guessed it – DECLINED, nevermind the fact I have had 2 phone calls from them, I’ve made one to them myself and I have been into the branch.
what I don’t understand is how banks are allowed to fuck people around this much when it comes to our money but when you owe them money they are right on the case very efficiently and quickly.
You could argue that this is an isolated case but it really isn’t, it has happened to me before, not the situation but being fucked about. My Gran gave me a cheque years ago to go on holiday with, In fact without the money I couldn’t go. so she gave it to me, accounting for the “5 working days” bullshit. she gave it me with a lot of time to spare, about 14 “working days” what did they do? well not only had it not cleared by the 10th “working day” when I went in they claimed to have no record of me giving in the cheque so I showed them the receipt they gave me to prove it had then they tried to blame the post office because it turns out that for a cheque to clear it has to be sent to the bank it came from for them to – I don’t know, bite it to make sure it’s real or something and then it has to be sent back to my bank to say it’s okay. First of all why can’t they use the technology available – faxes, emails, phones, fucking smoke signals for fucks sake! I don’t know if the method of posting the cheque to another bank is true but if it is surely the easier solution would be using the unique serial number EVERY cheque has and confirming it against a secure database – we do online banking and online shopping so I don’t see why this is still in the realms of fucking science fiction however, I believe that it was just an excuse to blame anyone but their own incompetence. Second of all the reason that I’m getting fucked over is because their customer services and all the rest of the stuff is sourced out to anywhere, there is obviously no communication between them so really to deal with one bank you are dealing with 100 businesses, none of which have a fucking clue and I’m not ranting about contacting India because the people in this country wouldn’t have a clue either nor do they care, if you ask to speak to a manager, what’s the point? they have no responsibility and nothing would happen to them if they just told you to fuck off while holding their dick in their hands, pissing on your debit card and since it seems to be a prerequisite to have your mind ethically and morally cleansed before getting a job in a bank I am surprised that it doesn’t happen more often.
I just think for everything these banks do they should face severe consequences because if we can’t get at our money, we face severe consequences – we can’t buy food and everything else you need to live. Because of all this shit I couldn’t pay for my glasses which I need to be able to see anything properly.
one time I went into the bank to ask about an overdraft because I was sick of having to demand the return of charges incurred by accidentally going below zero by 3 pence and one of the things I was asked was if I wanted to pay extra for “overdraft protection” and before I could say “sod that” the girl went into what it was for, which essentially was that if I die then my overdraft would be taken care of so I said “I definitely don’t want that, I don’t plan to use my overdraft, it’s just a buffer and I wouldn’t give a shit about who paid my overdraft after I died” so about a month later I get a charge on my bank account for… yes, overdraft protection, the shit I went through to get that fucking thing removed was horrendous, I phoned them, wrote about 40 letters eventually threatening legal action by which time they said they could only refund some of it.
I can only speculate that the girl got commission which is why she ignored the fact I said “certainly not”
I just think these fuckers should face punishment for fucking pretty well everyone over.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/barclays-bank/feed/ 0 Headphonesite.com http://www.doommonger.co.uk/headphonesite-com/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/headphonesite-com/#comments Tue, 23 Aug 2011 23:23:16 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=218 I was in the market for new headphones so I tried a few pairs out at a local electronics shop however they cost a fortune so I thought I would try the internet.

I looked around for a company that came with at least some positive reviews finally settling on www.headphonesite.com so I ordered a pair of HD428 headphones from them and paid an extra £5.99 for next day delivery – this is where the first issue came up.
it didn’t arrive the next day, nor the 2 days after that so I contacted them to say they owe me the £5.99 as they didn’t fulfill their obligation to send via courier as it stated on the forms, they gave me a load of bullshit saying it was sent “priority” so I checked this when it arrived via normal mail and this was not the case obviously.
The headphones had arrived anyway and when I opened the packet I was met with a pair of counterfeit HD428′s which was given away by a few things 1. the HD428′s have Sennheiser engraved on the headband where as these had it printed. 2. the real ones are not made out of cheap shit plastic 3. they are meant to cancel out most ambient noise, in the store I tried the real ones on in they blocked out nearly all of the noise, these shit ones couldn’t even block the sound of a computer fan. and lastly they sounded shit.

so I contacted them about 3 times before they replied, the last time I replied I had to threaten them with contacting trading standards and then they said some shit about “changing suppliers” and I was to send them back, I sent them back and then I heard fuck all off them for about 5 days and 2 emails asking them to sodding refund my money. They said they would refund my money that day. 3 days later, no money so I sent 1 email per day and 4 days later I got a reply saying “sorry, we’ll refund the money today” 2 days later no money.

so I sent one last email saying I have lodged a complaint with my credit card issuer to question the transaction as a fraud case and they had till the end of the day to refund the money or I would send in the evidence I had been collecting (postal receipt, picture of shitty headphones etc) today the money went back into my account.

It was obvious that they knew that they are selling fake headphones, it is obvious they intended not to send it prioritized and it is obvious they were intending to be as awkward as possible in hope that I gave up but they weren’t counting on the fact I have no life. so don’t buy from them and tell anyone you know not to buy from them because they are dicks.

And just for completeness I am going to copy and paste their mission statement here and make a few amendments.

Headphonesite.com is a UK based website that was set up in 2010 to offer the most popular Headphones found on the high street at the lowest possible prices (because we get shit knockoff versions from China).
Headphonesite.com is expanding its range on a daily basis and as soon as we see a set of Headphones that we can offer at a good price to our customers (or as we like to call them “victims”) we will add them to our catalogue. We have built up great relationships with the biggest brands in headphones such as Sennheiser, Monster, Koss, Klipsch, Sony, AKG, Shure, Skullcandy, Aerial7, Backbox, Coloud, Atec Lansing, Plantronics and JVC. (we stole their employees mobile phones on the train home)

All our items are held in stock in our warehouse located in Milton Keynes (in my mams basement). We do not have a shop or trade counter sorry but we do promise to send all orders placed on our website very quickly to any UK address (we promise but there is fuckall chance of that happening) . We offer a standard and express delivery service (either way they will arrive when ever the fuck we feel like getting out of bed).
Our sales team is knowledgeable on the items we stock (we know that they are fake shit), we are a dedicated headphone specialist (specifically specializing in selling fake headphones and ripping people off). Whether it is a simple upgrade to your iPod or iPhone headphones or a pair of £300 plus premium grade hifi headphones (it doesn’t matter they are all shit), we have the product to suit any requirement and budget (as long as you don’t mind the fact that the product is bullshit), and we are always happy to make some recommendations based on your specifications(we recommend giving us your money and fucking off).
If there is anything you would like to know about Headphonesite.com or you have any product related enquiries please send an enquiry to our staff at the contact us link ut our website and we will be more than happy to help (but don’t expect a reply straight away because we are probably out getting stoned or robbing shops).
Thank you for visiting our website (we hope to fuck you over soon).
Headphonesite.com

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/headphonesite-com/feed/ 0 The Daily Mail http://www.doommonger.co.uk/the-daily-mail/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/the-daily-mail/#comments Tue, 07 Dec 2010 13:34:29 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=209 well it was only a matter of time before I got around to this shit storm of a bad newspaper, it is an even bigger doommonger than me, and at least I do mine with elements of humour, they take themselves seriously which is fucking scary. having said that there is not much I can say about this media outlet full only of conjecture and opinion that everyone else hasn’t said before (I point you to brilliant comedians like Russell Howard and so on) basically the newspaper itself is a what’s what on outrage at absolutely anything without substantial evidence or even knowing the full story, or indeed any of the story. so for my little article I am going to use one of my favourite formulae of taking what their users have said and “answering” them(if I need to, really just to show you without you having to go and look what fucking mongoloids these people are.

1. I think this sick B****** Boyle should be band from performing also they should ban the other vulagr sick commic like Jo Brand, Alexis Sales and Rickay Thomlinson. (about Frankie Boyles Cumbrian shooting joke)

2. This is THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS SCANDAL IN TELEVISION HISTORY. get a grip it’s the fucking x-factor you mental case

3. Cant say I blame her, lets hope shes scared of having anymore children by useless lumps as well, she can do better on her own as she as shown. this is about Kerry katona being too scared to get involved with anyone, it amazes me that anyone cares enough to give that much of a shit about some stupid retarded bitch

4. Please remember that the NSPCC wants to criminalise any parent who smacks an errant child. If you occasionally smack your child, this charity thinks you are a brutal criminal who should be prosecuted.
I wouldn’t give them a fiver – I wouldn’t give them five pence yeah you be sure to let me know how the therapy goes you fucking maniac

5. Don’t like their own medicine this sleazy underhand back stabbing labour party.They’ll be squealing far
louder after the next general election yes, mike and as you know they lost the election and the cuntservatives are systematically raping anything that helped anyone, good job you and your fellow voters did there, dick

6. when I was 13 ( in the fifties) i was playing knock down ginger and scrumping apples..why cant we go back to those times?cause we are not in the fucking 50′s anymore you old cunt.

there is so many more examples to be found on the daily mail website, in fact if you just search the word “outrage” I guarantee those of you with a brain will either spend the day laughing or be shocked at how moronic people have gotten, you may ask “well why have you read it?” and the answer is simple, I find it incredibly funny.
I am sure I will revisit this subject again in the future.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/the-daily-mail/feed/ 0 More Rules For When I take Over The Planet http://www.doommonger.co.uk/more-rules-for-when-i-take-over-the-planet/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/more-rules-for-when-i-take-over-the-planet/#comments Thu, 25 Nov 2010 13:37:10 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=205 1. the word celebrity is instantly banned and anyone in the media must have a dam good reason to be there, i.e. no more Kerry fucking katona or Peter fuckface Andre, any such non entity will be instantly forced to give up all their money and take their rightful place at the bottom of the food chain right underneath fucking pond scum.

2. Smoking cigarettes will once again be allowed in public places, workplaces will also have to provide a room for smokers; I do not smoke myself but if we are going to breathe in the fumes from all the vehicles all day and everyday I don’t see what extra harm tobacco will do, anyway caught wafting smoke away from their faces in an obvious manner will have their hands removed, tarred and placed on a spike in the town square.

3. The USA is absolutely uncategorically banned from taking one of our good TV programs and making it into lowest common denominator bullshit, they did it with the office, being human, life on mars they tried to copy red dwarf and the IT crowd and I am sure there have been many more. if you can’t come up with your own shows fucking give up, you can’t do our humour because we don’t try and tailor it to every moron on the street, we do it for ourselves.

4. Singers in bands must have their own voice rather than the same one copied from a million other singers, and if you’re from the UK and you put on an American accent you will be shot in the dick – you obviously don’t need it.

5. companies such as Apple will be disallowed from releasing new products unless they can demonstrate how it is at least 80% different from the million overpriced pieces of easily breakable shit that went before, and no the fact that it carries on working for more than a month doesn’t count as a reasonable upgrade, you should replace the shitty stuff you sold us before you work on the new crap.

6. anyone who advertises sports gear by wearing clothing that has things like “Nike” and other brand names emblazoned across the material must have the word “moron” tattooed on their heads.

7. Face book is not allowed to sue other companies that use the word “book” in their title it, is fucking ridiculous and just a little bit childish. check out the brilliant site
Lamebook

8. Jeremy Kyle is to come up with better ideas for his shows, I am no longer satisfied with knowing which chav is the father of some fat messes ugly child. he did some great ones where he interviewed weirdo cults, do some more of those Jeremy.

9. this “everyone for themselves” attitude that Margaret Thatcher and her Cuntservative party brought in, in the 80′s is hereby banned, if you act like a dick you will be sent to the middle of Australia, our country used to help one another now all we do is look for the first chance to fuck one another over.

10. no more plastic surgery, you get what you’re born with, the end!

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/more-rules-for-when-i-take-over-the-planet/feed/ 0 When I Take Over The Planet http://www.doommonger.co.uk/when-i-take-over-the-planet/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/when-i-take-over-the-planet/#comments Tue, 23 Nov 2010 10:43:07 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=202 The following rules will be effective immediately.

1. Christmas decorations will only be permitted in the month of December, anyone breaking this rule will be banned from having decorations for life, and they shall also have their existing decorations shoved up their arse.

2. Using mobile phones in the company of others is immediately illegal, I am sick of conversations that go like this.. “so what do you think about what I just said?” “yeah” “what??” “uh” if you should need to use your phone in another persons company that isn’t for life or death situations then you should excuse yourself and leave the room, I have no wish to listen to your inane conversations about how drunk you were the other day which takes me to my next rule.

3. Any person caught posting any status message on ANY social network site about how they are going to get drunk at weekend and then 2 days later posting about how they feel ill will be shot, you chose to drink, you know what you would feel like, keep it to yourself you dicks. both rules 2 and 3 are punishable with being slapped across the face repeatedly with rotting salmon for at least 2 hours.

4. If you are pregnant you are not permitted to post pictures of your ultrasound sessions, it may seem strange to you but people (and by people I mean me) don’t want to see your fucking insides, it is disgusting and as of now extremely illegal and punishable with a clockwork orange style gluing of the eyes open while subjected to gross operations performed on STI related illnesses

5. Selling your things over the internet will be banned unless you post it the day you sell it and not 4 fucking days after the fact, if you charge someone 8 quid for postage then there should be a gift with the thing you sold, if you break this rule your “internet business” will be closed and you will be sterilised.

6. Michael McIntyre and Stewart Francis are immediately banned.

7. To be allowed access to the internet you must first pass some form of simple language exam (depending on your country of course) people who cannot spell simple words correctly and those who cannot use the words your, you’re the correct way around (and that goes for there, their and they’re) will be disallowed from any form of internet access device and sterilised.

8. unless you have a IQ well over average you are immediately disallowed more than one child, the gene pool is plenty watered down and it is time to inject a bit of intelligence back into the human race. not a popular thing to say but come on, how many times have you seen big groups of these inbred looking pissheads walking about terrorizing people and then you moan at me about it!

9. anyone causing abuse to any animal, especially Cats will be shot in the stomach and left to bleed out.

10. Insurance companies will no longer be allowed to use the “act of god” clause, if you are in a business designed to protect people against loss and other such terrible things then you are to pay out after one week of investigation, if you take money and then refuse to pay out makes your business worthless and is therefore immediately illegal.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/when-i-take-over-the-planet/feed/ 0 bands making quick cash http://www.doommonger.co.uk/bands-making-quick-cash/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/bands-making-quick-cash/#comments Fri, 17 Sep 2010 08:08:30 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=196 not so long ago one of my favourite electro-rock band started advertising a new album which was due, it had been 2 years since their last one so I thought “great!” so as their third album I thought “this should be good, they’ve grown into themselves, it should be special” so you can imagine my disappointment when I got the album and it was a fucking remix album, remixes of their old songs done by fucking shitty dance head arseholes who seem to always get the words “producer” and “dickhead” mixed up, who couldn’t even make the remixes sound original, seriously who wants to listen to remix albums?? sure maybe you listen to one song on it that sounds abit novelty but even that quickly gets boring.
so anyway they release this “album” and I figure well maybe they are doing a real album since the band played no actual part in the production of this piece of shit – so in reality they’ve sat with their thumbs up their arses for 2 years – but no, the next thing I hear is that they are doing a worldwide tour to support this dogturd of a CD.
and this is a growing phenomenon of bands releasing remix and best of CDs as if they were real albums and doing a tour to support it. I just feel we, as fans are getting the piss taken out of us by these big bands while the smaller ones are having to scrape together money to finish off an album they have actually bothered to write.
as for the “best of” albums who exactly decides the best songs? I know they usually say the band chose them but I doubt it, fair enough if they are one of these bands that has a lot of singles that make it big then obviously there are a certain demographic of people who just want the singles, but with bands like incubus doing a “best of” it just seems arbitrary, an excuse to slack off doing a new album to go fucking around on tour. people work real jobs everyday of their lives, hard jobs. Tedious jobs so moaning about doing a new album when you’ve spent 2 years fucking about with slappers, taking drugs and generally being lazy bastards is only going to make us think you are a bunch of spoilt dicks. so either write a real album or move aside and make room for bands that don’t want to rip off their fans.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/bands-making-quick-cash/feed/ 0 Myspace status Rant 2010 http://www.doommonger.co.uk/myspace-status-rant-2010/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/myspace-status-rant-2010/#comments Fri, 17 Sep 2010 07:21:56 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=194 thinkin bout stuff hmm why did u come back? argh I need to talk but meh lol – yes that’s about the level of self involvement and idiocy I’d expect from some ugly bitch who thinks she’s a model

Live the moment in life to the full as you don’t know when that moment will end – more sugary bollocks ironically written on the status of someone who plays warcraft

Always I will pray for others. – maybe you should quit praying for others and
pray that someone will cut that Sadam moustache off your face before you get accidentally hanged

$* ! U Can Call MS.Gettum Gone By The Way – I think even if you used the actual
English language in that statement no one but a fucking chav would understand it.

SEDUCE MY MIND AND YOU CAN HAVE MY BODY…- your hobbies include dancing and clubbing, I really doubt it would be hard to seduce your mind, maybe jingling some keys in front of you would do the trick.

I like going to interesting places with even more interesting people – your friends all have drinks in their hands and are wearing suits with their ties done up to 12, “interesting” is not a word I’d choose to describe them, “Dicks” however IS a word I’d use to describe them.

It’s all make believe, isn’t it? – no but you’re a fucking Twilight obsessed teeny idiot.

My Name Is What The Hoes Tend To Mention But Keep Talkin Bitches I Loveeeeeeee The Attention – you have to be the whitest person on the internet so stop trying to be black, you may love the attention but I am pretty sure the attention does not love you.

You might think you are all that because you are dating my ex, but I have just one question for you: ‘HOW DO I TASTE?’ – I wouldn’t know but I will hazard a guess with.. you taste like disease.

One crazy weekend coming up my daughters 18th birthday. Taking her to get her first tattoo. Following in her mother’s foot steps – you look like an idiot, really if you’re going to have tattoo’s at least get ones that look good.

I am extremely lucky to have a friend who is selfless & only wants to see me happy, that is true friendship. No names needed u know who u r! – otherwise known as the poor bastard you take advantage of perhaps? and don’t call yourself random you have a kid and you’re 23 what you are is fucking boring and about normal!

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/myspace-status-rant-2010/feed/ 0 the culture of litigation http://www.doommonger.co.uk/the-culture-of-litigation/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/the-culture-of-litigation/#comments Thu, 12 Aug 2010 15:04:47 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=192 Every fucking day there are those adverts which start with some silly cow with a really bad fringe or that guy who was “actually given the wrong type of ladder” for a job he was doing – having some stupid accident and then suing some poor bastard because they happened to be on their property, first of all if you want to sue people go fuck off to the US, this is Great Britain, our nation was made by people pulling together in the faces of adversity and not ripping each other off for a quick couple of quid because you couldn’t look where you were fucking going or get the right type of ladder. So if you trip on abit of plastic lying on the ground then no one should be sued however you should be hit repeatedly for not looking where you were going in the first place, and on that note why the fuck did you not pick the bit of plastic up yourself you lazy bitch?!
the simple fact is we are trying to hold everyone else accountable when we slip or fall cause we were too busy talking to some dick on the phone to pay attention to what we were doing.
Where do you think this money comes from?! magic land? taxes? no, it comes from the poor bastard who is already so snowed under with bureaucracy and red tape that he needs his food fed to him through a tube because there is not enough time to eat!
You hear people complaining about the cotton wool health and safety laws all of the time but they don’t realise that a lot of these have come about because the people that are so stupid they can’t manage to walk straight without a fucking map, are going mental suing everyone for every bump and scrape.
one such example was this massive cock from France who sued apple because their iPod deafened him, so now we have volume limiters on iPods/MP3 players etc. which of course means if you use high impedance headphones (usually known as bins) you can’t hear shit all. so because some little dick sues Apple the repercussion is everyone else suffers.
Mark my words if you join in with this stupid culture of lawsuits you will fucking suffer, we will all suffer.
if you have an accident just accept you did something fucking stupid and get over it.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/the-culture-of-litigation/feed/ 0 4 things http://www.doommonger.co.uk/189/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/189/#comments Fri, 16 Jul 2010 09:43:21 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=189 another little list of things that have been getting on my nerves.

1. “Alternative” Music – These days it seems so many of these half arsed emo-esque bands are being allowed to write absolute self indulgent tripe. Take “the used” for example, I recently heard the album “artwork” which musically was okay – however when the guy (if you can call him that) starts singing (in EVERY song) it is talking to someone which is probably his ex-girlfriend. One example picked purely at random goes like this “I could forget about the smile you always faked” so not only is this guy self indulgent enough to write an entire album of this shit but instead the whole of the used discography bar not one single song is this same god awful bollocks. and it’s not just The Used it is a billion other lazy bastards who would rather spend more time getting their hair flicked just right than they would actually thinking about something a bit more original. so here is a little list of things to sing about taken from the things I have written you could write about instead – yes, I know it’s mostly negative but to be fair so is writing 5 albums about some stupid bitch.
a. first person experience of a plane crash
b. a weird carnival
c. nuclear apocalypse
d. ghosts/aliens
e. strange stories from the past (e.g. Karl Von Cosel)
f. wandering through dreams
g. religious cults
h. psychosis
i. places you’ve been to
j. the sea
k. general observation
l. visiting people in hospital
m. political issues
n. stories of abuse
o. predictions of the future
p. bands who are only in it to make money
q. what it would be like to be invisible
r. the evolution of everything
s. homeless people
t. world war stories
all that before having to write 300 fucking songs about some stupid woman that left me 8 years ago!

2. Internet Slappers – so often when I’m browsing for things to piss me off enough to write something on here I see many a picture of stupid teenage girls who for some reason have gotten it into their heads that they could be a model, they’ve all got a “portfolio” of photos that some 58 year old pervert took of them whilst charging them a fortune, now I may be being a little semantic here but I thought that in prostitution it was meant to be the guy who paid the girl and not the other way around or have I been misled all these years? anyway, sure you may look okay now at 19 but by the time you’ve popped out that 3rd kid by the age of 21 from the 79th guy you’ve slept with while pissed out of your skull you’ll be a fat mess like the rest of the girls who thought their youthful looks would carry them through life on a boat made from gold and diamond sailing on champagne.

3. Big Brother – it is shit shit shit shit.

4. No Class Dicks AKA Chavs, Rappers and so on – recently a housing estate has been erected very near to where I live and it is not bad at all, they seemed to have built it very well and to a high standard, so imagine my surprise when I found out they were going to move all the human filth they could dredge up from the local smack dens into it, the usual fat single mothers with 8 kids – all with shaved heads naturally, probably because of lice or something and all wearing the mandatory tracksuits, and it goes without saying that not one of those tracksuits have never seen a fucking track in their stinking lives. Then of course you get those barely evolved skinny drug filled tattooed freaks wandering about at 2pm (yes I mean the afternoon one!!) with their cans of stellar and whatever cheap piss their benefits will afford them (on a Thursday no less) talking in an overloud and over aggressive way using the word “fuck” and “fucking” as their main hesitation interjection i.e. AFTER EVERY DAM WORD!! and if you pass one of these giant diseased cocks on a phone you’ll notice that not only you can hear the inane bollocks they are talking about (not paying child maintenance is a popular one) but also the person a mile down the road can too.

]]> http://www.doommonger.co.uk/189/feed/ 0 Hey There Fat Twat! http://www.doommonger.co.uk/hey-there-fat-twat/ http://www.doommonger.co.uk/hey-there-fat-twat/#comments Mon, 12 Jul 2010 11:21:47 +0000 Paul Stevenson - The Bringer Of Doom http://www.doommonger.co.uk/?p=186 Before I begin this I must tell you that I am by no means thin, I am abit overweight and for that I am ashamed, however yesterday I went to a supermarket for the first time in a while only to be confronted by herds of fucking bison drooling over every calorie filled abomination, these fat bastards wandering around the store with their fat bastard children stuffing crisps and chocolate into their baskets as they “shop” I can tell you it really made me sick, we – in this country used to have restraint, we also used to be fit energetic people but now we are fat useless fucking blobs of shit putting our gigantic guts on show as if it were something to be proud of, the women are in ill fitting tank tops with their rolls of fat hanging out and the men even more disturbing stuffing 3 crates of Stella in their baskets wearing a football shirt whilst their six chins are hanging over their frankly massive monster of a gut which is obviously a complete stranger to vegetables, and the children! hankering after coke and sweets buttered with fucking lard can barely see out of their eyes because their faces are almost completely closed up where the forehead fat has met the cheek fat, and you see these monstrous families all winching themselves out of their cars with their new disability cards which they were given because the doctor thought any excess strain on their fat encrusted hearts would lead these fat fucks dropping dead of heart failure outside the supermarkets. What is also sickening when you catch a glimpse of these slow walking building sized people, is when they bend over right in front of you to get an item from the lower shelves, you can’t fucking walk past them because they are blocking any means of escape from the view of their disgusting ample cleftal horizon in full view due to their ill fitting XXXXL trousers. I think enough is enough, there should maybe a ban on 2 for 1 offers, abit less TV and little more actual activity, nothing too hard just a walk every now and then that doesn’t have food at the end of it, you don’t have to be super thin just get to a state where your fucking stomach doesn’t have a stomach of its own.

Is it just me or is this fucking horrible??

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